"Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. "
I’m not comfortable anymore.
After John, I felt better to do what I wanted and see other guys, but the only other guy that I really wanted to expand things was Seth. We talked, and had a few nights together which progressed to stuff, but I knew that I was just someone he needed when he was bored. I just had hoped that he would see more, and actually wanted to really be with me. Well, Seth got caught for weed by his mother, therefore he was sent to Florida, which he is still living with his dad. It kinda sucks to have liked someone, and then now you can’t even enjoy seeing them in one of your classes at school. It sucks even more how infatuated I was, and I still have dreams of him. Now, its different. I’ve moved on, realizing that we probably wont see each other, and that even though he texted me last week saying hey and how he missed me, I know that it will mean nothing in the long run. But hey Seth, I miss you too. Then there is Jason. He’s older, and lives with my friend. We’ve done a lot, and we’ve just been this friends with benefits thing because he is a douche when it comes to girls. One night, he admitted to liking me, and when I confronted him about it he said it was true. But I still don’t give in to it. We have different lives, we are different. And although I love his presence next to me after a night of drinking, I know that’s all I get. Whatever. I’ve had guys flirt with me at my job, contact me, try to set up dates, or just hang out. I miss the relationship stuff such as; holding hands, kissing, cuddling, dates, spending time together, calling each other, and caring for each other. However, I can’t just take in any guy that starts talking to me. I don’t feel comfortable. Yes, I admit, I miss John and what he had done for me, and I know that I am the biggest idiot for letting him go. But I just hope he is happy now with who he is with, and that maybe one day we could say hey, how are things, but I can’t. I’ll have a mental breakdown because I can’t go to John for comfort when I’m sad, or when I need a favor. I can’t go to John to hold me till I fall asleep, or make sure I’m okay. That is all over now. All these guys that talk to me make me feel weird. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship yet, or maybe a guy hasn’t come to be good enough to be in a relationship with me. I’m not comfortable anymore, and sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore.
That is a horror that may never again be recreated.
photobomb from beyond the grave
ayy lmao let me get in this pic real quick #selfie